D.I.D. and Memory

This will be a long post. I’m sorry about that. Memory issue within a D.I.D. System is complex and I’m going to try to simplify it as much as possible.

I recently had a conversation about how memory works with people who have D.I.D. and I honestly believe it is different for each System. I think one thing we can agree on is that memory, or lack of memory, is a definite issue. The DSM-5 states that there must be “Recurrent gaps in the recall of everyday events, important personal information, and/or traumatic events that are inconsistent with ordinary forgetting.” This is one of the diagnostic criteria for D.I.D.

But how does it affect each System and everyday life? Why does this vary so widely between Systems? I personally believe a lot comes down to where a person is on their healing journey. At first, a person will experience large gaps in memory, and often this is extremely distressing. Our original Core Personality, Linda, could not remember anything of her childhood, nor most of her teenage and adolescent life. And it greatly distressed her to the point that she even considered hypnotism to try to recall those memories.

When a person becomes aware that they are a System; a collection of Parts of self, they begin a journey towards healing that they may not even be aware of. It’s true that some people find the thought of being a multiple so distressing and unacceptable that they completely deny the existence of their Parts, and that can be quite a damaging attitude to take, but most people find their curiosity takes over once the initial shock is past. This natural curiosity starts them down the path to recovery and is absolutely essential to achieving cohesion between Parts.

Let’s review what D.I.D. is: It is a coping mechanism, started in childhood, due to extreme, severe and repeated abuse, trauma and neglect. The child compartmentalises the traumatic events so that they can survive the ordeal. This compartmentalisation creates amnesic barriers between themselves and the actual event, and in extreme cases, as with Dissociative Identity Disorder, it creates whole new identities within the Self that is able to function independently from the core personality. The different Parts, or Alternate Parts (Alters) are, in fact, parts of the same body and mind, however they have their own set of memories and experiences and can act autonomously from the Core. It’s important to understand that although it may feel like they are separate and not actually you, they really are parts of you. I like the phrase: A part of me and apart from me. It kind of sums it up nicely.

So how about memory? Well, as I said above, the different Parts of self are separated by amnesic barriers which are usually absolute. The Core personality will not remember anything that happens to her when the Alter is out (Fronting), and generally vice versa. Pockets of amnesia ranging from a few hours or even minutes to years will be present, which, understandable, can be quite distressing. Think of a time when you may have gone drinking with friends and you drank too much. The next morning you might not remember what happened the night before. Now magnify that on a much larger scale and you will have a vague idea of what I’m talking about.

I’ve spoken to Systems who are still at that point of complete separation between Alters and some of them find it hard to understand how it’s possible to have D.I.D. and either not have memory issues, or the amnesia doesn’t seem as absolute as it is in their own System. And as stated above, I believe it is down to where that person is on their journey of recovery.

I’m going to draw on my own personal experiences and journey here. If you have been reading my personal blog, you will know that I, Sapphire, am not the original Core Personality. I was (and still am!) an Alter. I was created when the body was 9 years old for a very specific purpose: to micro-manage memories. Not all Systems have this function but for some reason, ours did. I was an Alter to an Alter, meaning I was part of a sub-system. I was also a Fragment Alter, which is a partially formed Alter or an Alter with a single role. I never fronted until late 2019 when I took over as full-time Host when our Core integrated and fused. My role was to make sure memories and experiences, especially the bad ones, were properly categorised and held safe and locked away. Basically, it was my job to make sure that the Core did not remember her past. As such, I had access to all the memories. I didn’t necessarily look at them all, but I did have access to them all.

So fast forward to the present day… Our Core Personality, Linda, integrated and fused late 2019 and I became Host. If you don’t know the difference between integration and fusion, you can read my post about it here. In a nutshell, integration is simply the breaking down of amnesic walls between Parts. It does not necessarily mean that those Parts fuse together, although that’s the most logical and natural next step on the healing journey. However, integration does not mean the System absolutely has to fuse and become one whole person. That’s personal choice and it isn’t my place to take that choice away from anyone or even suggest that it’s the only way to be healed. It’s very possible to be healed from past traumas; even to remember them; and still remain a multiple and lead a fulfilled and functional life.

Once a person starts the journey of healing, the first step is to acknowledge the fact that they have D.I.D. Then it’s important to try to work on communication within the System. This can look different to different people and you need to find your own way to communicate with the Alters. We started out with a journal and sketch books and now we are at a place where we can generally communicate verbally to each other inside. For the most part. We do have some Alters who are harder to reach and communicate with, which is where the journal and sketch books come in handy. Once good communication is established and trust is built between Parts, some of those Parts may choose to Integrate when they feel ready. Remember, integration does not mean the Alters will fuse together. As the amnesic barriers begin to break down and memory is slowly restored, the healing from the past has truly begun. We are currently in that phase where we are able to create a timeline of our past with the help of Alters who were there and a family member with a good memory. I, personally, do not have any emotional attachment to the memories. It feels like I am viewing someone else’s memories. Perhaps through therapy I will begin to connect my past to my whole self, but for now it is enough to just acknowledge all the bad stuff that happened. In a way I am fortunate that I do not have an emotional connection. It means I can view the past objectively and don’t suffer too much with post-traumatic stress or flashbacks. Not everyone is as fortunate so it’s important that you stay in therapy with work with your therapist on ways to cope.

I believe that when total integration happens (again, not necessarily Fusion!), the memory will be restored and although that may sound scary, it is also very healing, especially if you are able to reconcile to the past and learn solid coping strategies to mitigate any negative effects those memories may bring. If your Parts then choose to fuse to create a whole you, that is also okay. It’s not mandatory, but it is one path you can take if you choose. There are several paths to healing, and you need to choose one that works for you. The path I have chosen might not be the path you would choose, and that’s okay. We are all different even though we share a common condition.

Thanks for reading this very long post. Stay safe and healthy and we wish you well on your own journey to recovery!

Shame!

Let’s talk about shame. Let’s crack open that box no-one wants to look at. Let’s discuss the hard stuff about DID and BPD; the stuff that makes people feel uncomfortable. Let’s expose the truth because let’s face it… DID and BPD is not fun. Not at all. And sadly, there are those who glamourize it and turn it into a fashion statement. Especially DID.

But it’s anything but a fashion statement as those who suffer daily would attest. Fear, guilt, shame, self-loathing… these are the constant companions of sufferers of both disorders. We fear telling people because we fear being judged, misunderstood, rejected, ridiculed and disbelieved. We feel guilty because we worry we are faking and attention-seeking. We feel guilty for taking up people’s time and resources. We feel shame for what we went through; as though somehow, it was our fault we were abused. It must have been our fault, we tell ourselves. If we were good when we were a child, we wouldn’t have been abused, surely! So we carry around the shame of clearly being so bad that we deserved what happened to us. And we end up hating ourselves because of it.

But deep inside, we also have a little voice that screams out for justice. That voice knows we did not deserve the pain, but we drown it out with the lies we tell ourselves. We push it down. What do they know? That’s just the selfish part of me saying those things. Of course we deserved it! We were punished for bad behaviour and we deserved it.

Shame on us!

Sound familiar? I’m betting most of you who suffer with DID and/or BPD will have felt at least some of those things. But here’s the thing: It’s all lies! Every single one of them. Lies.

Let me ask you something: If you have a young son or daughter, or cousin, niece, nephew, godchild or any young child in your care, and someone who should have protected and cared for them abused them instead… would you immediately blame the small child? No! Of course not! You would do everything you could to get the perpetrator to stand trial for the abuse! No-one blames the child for the abuse they suffer. So why do you blame your child-self for the abuse you suffered at the hands of someone else?

Let me tell you a truth: YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME FOR THE ABUSE YOU SUFFERED AS A CHILD! Read that again. And again. And again. Read it until you believe it! If someone else’s child does not deserve abuse, then neither did you.

Why does this make you feel uncomfortable? Ponder that question. Only YOU know the answer to that.

Why does having DID or BPD, or any mental health disorder for that matter, make others feel uncomfortable? I guess it’s the same reason people don’t know what to say to someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one. They don’t know what to say, so they say nothing. How do we make this less uncomfortable? By talking about it. By educating people about it. People fear what they don’t understand, so let’s remove the fear by helping them understand! I know you feel shame and embarrassment and fear telling people about your disorder, but don’t! Be brave! Help to remove stigma and fear by teaching those around you about what you are going through and bit by bit we will shed light in the darkness and those lies will no longer have power over you.

Be brave! Be strong! You got this!

What I wish my Therapist knew about D.I.D.

Dissociative Identity Disorder is a specialised field and not all therapists are trained in Dissociative disorders. Often clients are unable to be picky about who they get as a therapist and they can find themselves in a position of actually knowing more about D.I.D. than the therapist does. This can be frustrating for both the client and the therapist as a lot of time and money is wasted on just educating them before any real trauma work can be started. It’s not just educating a therapist about the actual disorder either. Often, therapists just simply don’t quite know how to react to someone with multiple personalities, and this puts added stress and anxiety on both parties. It’s okay to not know. It’s okay to learn together. That said, here are some guidelines for therapists on how to react and interact with someone with D.I.D.

· It’s okay to ask questions. Although plenty of resources are starting to become available as D.I.D. is becoming more researched and widely accepted, often the best resource is the person who has the disorder. Asking them questions about what they are feeling, how they communicate with the Alters and how they would like their therapist to communicate with the Alters is key in establishing good communication between everyone. The client may not always know the answers; after all, that’s partly why they are seeing a therapist, but they will know how they want to be interacted with and they may already have some understanding about their System, so ask questions that would be relevant to the individual.

· Understand the different roles Alters have within a System. Every Alter is formed out of a need the System has at the time. No Alter is redundant or useless. The ultimate reason for the Alters in the first place, ie: the original trauma, may no longer be happening, but the System has worked since that first trauma to keep everyone safe. Get to know the different roles, why they are formed and their strengths and weaknesses. Different roles of Alters is covered here.

· Address the Alters by their name and respect them as individuals. There is nothing worse than someone completely ignoring an Alter and referring to them by the Core/Host’s name. An Alter is a valid individual with their own set of memories, experiences, likes, dislikes, opinions, styles etc. In essence, they are a complete person living in the same body as everyone else in the System. Refusing to speak to them as an individual separate from the Core/Host is not only harmful but it’s disrespectful. Remember, they are just as valid as the Core/Host.

· Don’t be afraid to ask the Alters questions about themselves. As said above, they have their own personalities, memories, experiences etc, and often, their memories will be completely different to the Core or Host’s memories. To get a decent overall picture of the whole life, you will need to engage with all of the Alters and get to know their backstories and reasons for existing.

· Validate everyone equally. This is so important. I cannot stress it enough. The Alters are wanted, and needed and valid. To tell them otherwise is very damaging. Telling them to leave or go away is equally damaging. They have as much right to the body as the Core/Host. They have equal rights to Front as any of the others. Always seek to validate them and remind them that they are doing a good job at keeping the System safe. Explain that you are there to help them with their enormous task, not to try to get rid of them.

· Establish a good relationship with your client. In doing this, your client will start to trust you and so will their Alters. It may take time, so be patient and understanding. Once you have established a good relationship, you may find that you can request to speak to certain Alters who may be near the surface or, with the client’s permission, use positive triggers to bring forth an Alter that you’d like to work with. Remember to always be respectful and don’t force a switch. If an Alter doesn’t want to front, they don’t have to. Alters will become more willing to Front as the trust grows between you all, so work on that trust and be patient.

· Don’t assume the Core/Host is aiming for total Integration and Fusion. Some people with D.I.D. just want Functional Multiplicity, and that’s okay! There is no law that says every person has to be a singlet. Some clients may simply find the thought of not having headmates frightening, and they just want their System to function smoothly and be able to manage their triggers in healthy ways. Work with your client at what they all want. Some clients may well be aiming for total integration and fusion, and if that is a goal shared by all, then that is something you can work on together.

· Understand what Integration and Fusion is. People often get the two mixed up. Integration is where the walls of amnesia break down between Alters (and I include the Core/Host as an Alter because essentially they are). When those amnesic walls come down, the two (or more) Alters will remember each other’s past. This is the first step towards Fusion. Fusion is where two or more Alters merge into one and either become a new Alter or they merge into the Core. Integration can happen without Fusion, but Fusion cannot happen without Integration. Sometimes clients are happy with just having all the Alters Integrated and no amnesia between them. And that’s okay too.

· Do some independent research. As stated earlier, more and more information is becoming available about D.I.D. Utilise that research to learn between sessions. The more you learn, the better therapy will be.

· Learn the disorders that are often co-morbid with D.I.D. Dissociative Identity Disorder is rarely a stand-alone disorder. It usually is co-morbid with several others. These include, but are not limited to, Borderline Personality Disorder, Bi-Polar Disorder, Depression, Anxiety, P.T.S.D., O.C.D., Panic Disorder, Dissociative Seizures, Dissociation, Headaches and Migraines, Chronic Fatigue. Most people with D.I.D. will have several of those alongside their D.I.D. It’s important to address those issues as well. Having D.I.D. is exhausting. Not only does the client have an almost constant dialogue going on in their heads, affording them little to no rest, but they will battle with depression and anxiety, P.T.S.D. and many others. They will be in constant Flight or Fight mode and nearly always be hyper-alert. Be sensitive to the fact that they may well be totally exhausted all of the time.

· Understand how triggers work. Triggers are a big part of D.I.D. They are usually what starts a dissociative period or a switch. They can also cause panic attacks and be overwhelming. It’s important to understand the difference between positive and negative triggers and know when it is safe and allowable to use positive triggers. Never ever use a negative trigger on a client, and only use positive triggers with permission.

· Don’t be afraid of Littles or Persecutors. Dealing with Littles for the first time can be quite shocking and unnerving. You will suddenly find yourself talking to a child in an adult (or teenage) body. It can take some getting used to so be prepared to speak to a child at any time. Persecutors can also be quite daunting as often they can be rude or abrupt. They can also be aggressive and demanding, and in many cases, they actively harm the body. Be prepared for that. Persecutors are misunderstood and are just trying to cope with trauma in the only way they know how. Often Persecutors are the aggressive Protectors of the System, but they have unhealthy coping mechanisms. Littles and Persecutors probably will be the two types of Alters you will work with the most as they are the ones who usually hold the most trauma.

· Learn the Lingo. D.I.D. has its own unique terminology. This will be covered in a different chapter too and it would be a good thing to learn. If you understand what a client means when they say “I feel switchy today” you will cut out a lot of unnecessary questions. The list of terminology is quite long, so having that written out in your notes might be useful to refer to when speaking to the client.

· The client is not broken. Contrary to popular belief, the person with D.I.D. does not have a broken mind that needs fixing. Actually, their mind is working perfectly. D.I.D., although regarded as a disorder, is actually a safety mechanism built into the brain and is activated in some children when they experience ongoing trauma and abuse. It’s a survival mechanism and it works perfectly. The problem is, as the child grows to become an adult, generally the danger of abuse has past, and therefore the need for this mechanism becomes redundant. Note: I am not saying the Alters are redundant. I’m saying the mechanism becomes redundant as the adult is no longer experiencing the abuse. That said, some clients may still be living in abusive situations with a relative or partner, so that does need to be taken into consideration. But for the most part, the adult is living an abuse-free life now, but still has Alters.

· Alters can still form in adulthood. Once the mind has learned to split once, it remembers how to do it any time there is extreme stress or anxiety. This can be upsetting for the individual and even for the entire System. The idea of therapy is to mitigate that stress and help the client with coping strategies so that future splits don’t happen.

There is no hard and fast rule for helping a D.I.D. client. The thing is to be open-minded and willing to learn. If you can do that, you are well on your way to establishing excellent communication with a D.I.D. System and that will pave the way for healing and restoration, however that looks for the client.